act five (whereupon our heroine admits defeat, but there is a slight rainbow, faint and shimmering in the distance.)
on saturday, i had a very busy day. the baby panda dropped me off in back bay for my 8:00 a.m. 8-mile run with my marathon team. then i had a lovely late morning in harvard square, getting my eyebrows did, drinking a venti latte, and completing my christmas shopping. i felt so zen! so caffeinated! then i wandered up to the cvs in porter square, which supposedly had the four vials of novolog insulin which were turning out to be my trojan horse, or achilles heel, or maybe someone’s pomegranate. (my handle on greek mythology is not very good.)
i ambled into the store with low hopes. waited in line behind some really weird people for about ten minutes. yes, the same music was playing. i made it up to the counter. i asked for a prescription. for insulin. it might be in the fridge. my name is laura ROOT. (cvs arlington had insisted on making the prescription out this way, because it was less confusing. somehow. i don’t know how. #$%^ing BRIAN.)
and, shockingly (just kidding. it wasn’t shocking at all. at this point, i possessed less faith in cvs than i do in the buffalo bills ever winning a superbowl.), they did not have a prescription for laura root. or laura lintz. cvs in arlington had NEVER. FAXED. IT.
luckily, i produced the hard copy of the prescription that BRIAN had given to me the night before. and then a pharmacist wearing a stripey shirt delivered one last soul-crushing blow, admonishing me, “THIS PRESCRIPTION IS NOT VALID. THIS WAS WRITTEN BY CVS IN ARLINGTON. WE NEED SOMETHING FROM YOUR DOCTOR! I NEED TO CALL BRIAN AT CVS! COME BACK IN ONE HOUR.”
[the pharmacist’s speech was quite remniscent of this part in willy wonka.]
i staggered out of the cvs in porter square. i called the baby panda in tears. being the wonderful bear that he is, he immediately drove down to porter square and offered to buy me sushi at the porter exchange while we waited. since it is my custom to be over-dramatic and rude in these situations, i hissed, “I DON’T EVEN HAVE AN APPETITE ANYMORE.” (that was a lie. the baby panda saw through this ruse and sat with me at the sushi bar while i stuffed my mouf with spicy tuna. nom!)
after a little over an hour, we returned to the cvs. we waited in line behind some really weird people for about ten minutes. of course the same music was playing, but it wasn’t as horrible as usual because i knew that the bp would help reattach my head if it flew off. we made it up to the counter. i asked for a prescription. for insulin. it might be in the fridge. my name is laura ROOT.
the cvs employee looked at me blankly. there was no prescription for anyone by that name. before i got too out of control, i said in a remarkably calm voice, “I NEED TO TALK TO THAT MAN IN THE STRIPEY SHIRT. WE TALKED TO HIM JUST ONE HOUR AGO. SEND HIM TO ME.”
stipey man, who despite channeling willy wonka earlier in the day, came over and was incredibly nice. he informed me that my prescription had been denied because insurance said that i was refilling it too EARLY. “impossible!” i cried, “i have been trying to get this filled since monday!” then i had a realization– my insurance prolly thought that this prescription interfered with the prescription for my mail-order insulin that is going to get here in two weeks. i told pharmacist stripey wonka this fact, and he agreed.
but then– is that a little bluebird singing? is that the sun coming out from behind one whole week of tears and stressball clouds?
pharmacist stripey wonka said that he could call my insurance and get an override! he said it would take one day, but i would get my four bottles of novolog after all! then he said that he would even give me one bottle of insulin RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT so that i DIDN’T DIE! it was all i could do not to hug his stripey arm.
so the baby panda and i strode out of cvs, hand in hand, with one bottle of insulin in my backpack. we would return for the other three.
act five (whereupon we can all breathe easily. there is an end to this arduous saga.)
on sunday, the bp and i braved the great blizzard to travel to cvs in porter square. and guess what. i waited in line for like five minutes. once again, that blasted music was playing. but that is where the similarities CEASED. when i went up to the front and asked for a prescription for laura root, they had it! i didn’t even have to mention that it was in the fridge… they just knew!
three more bottles of insulin were in my possession, bringing me to a total of four! i now am rolling in the medication!
so we celebrated! eric made his delicious zuni cafe chicken and i indulged in oodles of the bread salad that accompanied it. why? BECAUSE I NOW POSSESS ENOUGH INSULIN TO BE A BIG FAT PIGGY.
i’ve learned some valuable lessons this week. mainly, i should use google calendar when i want to renew my prescriptions. and i have also learned to stay the eff away from cvs arlington, and any pharmacists named brian.
moneyball, by michael lewis
eric laughs at me because he says this is a book on statistics. i say it’s about baseball. strangely, you don’t have to be a fan of either to love reading this great story of how david kicks goliath’s @$$.